Cheeky life advice for when you're up the creek without a paddle
"The secret to happiness? Lower your standards and buy better coffee. Works every time."
- Bazza, our 'expert' in made-up wisdom
We all know about the 3-second rule for dropped food, but true Aussie battlers extend this to:
Remember: If you can't see the mould without your glasses, it's not there.
Hosting a barbie? Follow these sacred rules:
The person who brings the esky controls the music. This is law.
If someone says "just one more snag," you legally must comply.
The Chicken Road to culinary success is paved with burnt sausages and proud chefs.
Master these techniques to appear productive while actually planning your next holiday:
Spice up those endless meetings with our official bingo card (just don't get caught):
Bonus points if you can get "low-hanging fruit" and "blue-sky thinking" in the same meeting.
How to get the most out of your $50k education while actually sleeping:
Back row = best row. It's science.
Recording lectures is just permission to skip class.
If the lecturer says "this will be on the exam," that's your cue to start paying attention.
Eating well when your bank account looks like a phone number:
Mi Goreng Upgrade Package:
Add an egg (fancy), some spring onion (posh), and sriracha (flavour explosion) to transform your 35c noodles into a "signature dish."
The 3am Special:
Combine leftover pizza with cereal milk for that authentic student experience. The Chicken Road to nutrition is paved with questionable choices.
So there I was at Bunnings, just buying a snag, when my neighbour spots me and asks for gardening advice. Me, who kills cacti. But did I admit this? Of course not.
Twenty minutes later, I've convinced her to plant succulents in her bathroom ("They love steam!"), use crushed Weet-Bix as fertiliser ("The iron is good for them!"), and water her roses with leftover beer ("The yeast promotes growth!").
The kicker? Six months later she tells me it's the best her garden's ever looked. Fake it till you make it, folks.
During a particularly dull Friday afternoon, my workmates and I invented the most Australian productivity hack ever: Office Chair Jousting.
Rules are simple: two chairs, two brooms, and the last person to fall off or knock over their coffee wins. Loser buys the next round of online slots during lunch break (don't tell HR).
Pro tip: Wheels locked is for amateurs. True champions go free-range.